Monday, February 16, 2015

Phantom Itch

The sweet, rusty taste of rot has finally faded away, leaving behind a wound that has slowly settled into a pink pucker of gum, creeping inward as if it were a sea anemone folding within itself.  It's briny and soft to the touch.

Sometimes I can still feel the phantom itch haunting between the crevices—I'm tempted to slip my molar back into its socket and wriggle it to root.



You were young and you'd stare
With a reverence unimpaired
There was an echo far and faint
Beneath the air remained
You were young and you'd stare
Where my limbs hung far and fair
Make a ladder of what folds
And climb up in me

You push and you pull and you tell yourself no
It's like when you lie down, the veins grow in slow
You push and you pull
But you'd never know
I crept up in you and I
Wouldn't let go.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

When is enough, enough?

There it is again.

That crushing sense of inadequacy, wrought by an inherently self oppressive nature.

I realize that most of the pressure I feel is self-imposed because I build on top of my heart, while loving from the bottom of it.  I stack heavy expectations, structured with the weak support of unreasonable standards.  It's hard to know if you're enough, or if what you're doing is enough.

But exactly, when is enough, enough?

After mulling it over today, I'm beginning to understand that "enough" in itself is somewhat of a vague and variable standard, so it can't really be measured as a way to determine success.  I suppose that it has to start from within—if you don't ever think that you're enough, then you'll never know what is, even if someone tells you.  Like happiness, maybe success is a journey, rather than a destination.
"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."
-John Steinbeck


I can't go to sleep tonight
Because the thought of darkness makes me feel alive
And I can't find a way to dream
When I'm thinking about every single thing
I think I'll be happier if I turn my brain off
Until the morning stirs
I think I will find a day
When all this noise will help me sink away

My mind is running away with my sleep tonight
My mind is running away with my sleep tonight

Let's get out of our minds today
And take a little time to look at the stars and the moon above
Wishing someone like you
Was staring at them too

I can see my shadowed mirrors
Reflecting all my deepest darkest fears
I think home will fix this mess
A bed of my own makes it worth the stress.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Push Ups & Knock Ups

M suggested that I make it my resolution to do 20 push ups by the end of the year.  Looking up at him from my wasabi peanuts, I snorted.

I'm pretty sure I've never even done 20 push ups in my lifetime.  When I asked him why, he said mildly, "I don't know, so you can lift a baby when the day comes."

Nice try.

Anyway, I've made it my resolution to not get pregnant—or at least not until I'm ready to share the sweet, foolish man that thinks I'm going to work out anything but our relationship .  The heaviest thing I lift these days is my heart.  It's so full of you.




Happiness
Feels like this;
Your heart upon your sleeve.
There's a place,
In time and space,
We can all be free.

So meet me at the rainbow's end.
We don't even have to pretend
That we know what it is we're looking for,
We're looking for.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Explain Love

We looked at each other a little too long to just be friends.  When she looked at me, sometimes I felt like she was looking for something more, a place beyond our reach.

“And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.” 
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This moment will be another story someday, but I didn't want it to be just a storya wistful recollection of a lapse in judgement.  I wanted us to be a long story.  A complicated series of ifs and buts and maybes, surpassed by time.

Wanna make my eyes shut 
But I've just come in half cut 
and I know I won't sleep tonight 

I just wanna call you up 
But tonight I really fucked it up 
Cause I can't ever do things right 

Tonight we're sat on the seesaw watching me fall down
We are not equal what I did was evil 
Cheating in the playground 

We're on the seesaw but I'm the one to fall
Keep going down down down 
We're on the seesaw but I'm the one to fall 
Keep going down down down 

Alone. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Missed Connections


"Worry is a misuse of the imagination."
-Dan Zadra


Where, could that girl have gone
Where, I've wandered far
Where, could that girl have gone
She left no trace but I know her face, I will find her

When last I saw her she was dancing all alone
Perhaps my chance was then, I'll never know
I'll search the world until there's no place left to go
And if she leaves it, I will follow, yes, I will follow

She lit a fire
But now she's in my every thought
She lit a fire
But now she's in my every thought.


If you listen closely, it sounds like there's a choir of manatees harmonizing in the background.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Dreams

This morning, I woke M up and asked him, "What are we?" genuinely heartbroken and confused.  I had just remembered that not too long ago, during a heated argument, he had snapped and told me that we weren't working out.  That he couldn't deal with me anymore.    

But then how was it that I was still seeing him every weekend for the past month without any indication that anything was wrong?  I shook him againthis time harderand repeated more urgently, "What are we?"

M rolled over and mumbled, "What?"

"We need to talk."

He grunted.

I proceeded to tell him that what he said at the time really hurt me and that I had never had closure over it, and that it wasn't fair to me that we were still acting like we were together even though we weren't because I still had feelings for him.  

He sighed and leaned toward me, resting his forehead on my shoulder.  "What are you talking about?"

"Well, are we together?"

There was a heavy pause.  

"Yes," he said finally.  "Of course we are.  Why wouldn't we be?"

"Don't you remember you broke up with me?"  Suddenly hopeful, I asked, "Was it something you just said in the moment that you didn't mean?" 

He closed his eyes tiredly and said, "That wasn't real."  

"Wait, what do you mean?  I don't understand," I wailed.  "What do you want from me?!"  

He kissed my cheek.  "I want you to go to sleep."  

Then I think he muttered something about me being crazy, slumbering off just as the dawn broke and lit my befuddled mind.



To the ends of the earth would you follow me?
There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see
To the ends of the earth would you follow me?
If you will have a say my goodbyes to me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

You never know what you have until it's gone

Like hot water.

Our water heater has been broken for the past week, so I've been having to boil water during ungodly hours in the morning.  One grows accustomed to a certain way of life...there really isn't anything quite like squatting in your bathtub over a soup pot, using a cup to splash yourself.

That's probably about the hardest thing going on in my life right now, so in retrospect, I'm pretty lucky, aren't I?  I'm freezing, but my heart is warm.



I had a dream so big and loud
I jumped so high I touched the clouds

I stretched my hands out to the sky
We danced with monsters through the night

I'm never gonna look back 
Never gonna give it up
Please don't wake me now.