Thursday, February 13, 2014

Why we stay so long in our most shitty and "complicated" relationships.

Maybe we were addicted to 
 The adrenaline rush of 
The highs and lows, the extremes and such, 
Mistaking passion for love.

Maybe you love me, maybe you don't 
Maybe we get along or maybe we don't 
Oh baby, we'll make it work, Lord knows I've tried 
Even though you scarred down the middle of my heart 

Been low but I've been higher 
Been low but I've been higher 
Been low but I've been higher 
And higher and higher. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

"Your taste is why your work disappoints you."

I actually used to be a design major--a fashion design major, in fact.  Fortunately I realized early on that fashion design was also, in fact, not something I wanted to pursue for many reasons.  Mostly, it had to do with being completely hopeless on a sewing machine.  Once, I broke 3 needles and somehow dislocated the foot within one class period (the foot is the metal part where the needle is attached to). Another time, I couldn't figure out why my needle wouldn't stop running, and it wasn't until three people later that we discovered it was because I had been stepping on the pedal the entire time.

I used to staple fabric together as a quick fix.

I had the ideas and I had the designs, but I lacked the actual drive to learn how to use a machine properly and bring them into reality.  I guess that's when I figured out the difference between an interest and a career.

Anyways, during my short-lived venture in design, a  professor introduced us to a quote by Ira Glass, someone whose words would later become central in my life:
“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”
-Ira Glass
If you are some sort of artist, whether a professional or a hobbyist, you will immediately understand the significance.  While I might not be a fashion designer, I do still enjoy painting from time to time.

Even though it is a hobby, I still look at my art and feel dissatisfied with what I've produced; this has a lot to do with what Glass says.  The only way I can reach my true potential is to keep working at it consistently in order to close the gap between what I am now and what I can be.  Eventually, my work will mirror my standards.  

This discipline and energy applies to all work, not just creative work.  If you feel like you're not good enough with what you are doing and where you are now, just keep trying.  It takes time and most importantly, serious dedication.  Slowly, but surely, you'll fall into step and find yourself in a better place, ending up with something you can be proud of.  

A peanut butter tide.

When I hear this song, I find myself thinking of rich, creamy peanut butter slowly rolling forward in waves and I can feel myself sinking into comfort and bliss.


And it goes on and on and on and on and on
Laying out a pavement in my head
And it goes on and on and on and on and on
It's way past just a game

Oh my love, just set me free, 
take away the leash that ties me on to you.
Oh my love, why wont you leave? 
Take away your hand so I can leave untouched from you, 
You, you, you, you
Oh my love, oh my love.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I wasn't in the most ideal relationship prior to the one that I'm in now.  It was a relationship that had lasted for almost two years and  I had stayed for so long because I had invested so much of myself into him and we had been through so much together.  It was kind of like being hazed.  You develop somewhat of a perverse attachment through all your trials and tribulations.  I didn't leave when I should have because it was my first serious relationship and I had thought to myself midway, it would be too hard to go through this with someone else again.  In the end, we were clearly not meant for each other, and the way it ended was a blessing in disguise.

It wasn't until a couple years after, when I found M., that I realized that I had it all wrong.

It's not supposed to be that hard.

It's not supposed to be that hard to be with someone.  If you fluctuate between anger, sadness and hate most of the time you're in a relationship, that person is not good for you.  With M., love is easy.  I'm not saying our relationship is easy.  We're very different people with very different ways of communicating, so we find ourselves arguing a lot.  But through all our hard times, I never once felt like leaving.  Maybe leaving the room, but never him.  This time around, love is what's constant and that's the way things should be.

In retrospect, it wasn't hard to see that I didn't have a good relationship with myself back then.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."
-Stephen Chbosky

As a result, I ended up being in an even worse relationship with someone else because I looked to someone else to develop a sense of value.  I really needed to take time alone and grow on my own to be who I wanted to be as a person.

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.”
-Wayne W. Dyer

I guess my advice is to love yourself.  If you're in a relationship that makes you question your worth all the time, you'll never be able to develop your own sense of value.   Once you're there, your true self emerges--and when that happens, someone out there is going to fall in love with who you really are, and not who they want you to be.

I had nothing to lose
and I had nothing to prove
and I was thinking about me and you.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

No more waiting.

People tend to make this mistake in relationships.

They wait.

They wait for the other person to change, they wait for things to change.  Things don't work themselves out when you don't communicate what's wrong, and often times, what's obvious to you isn't obvious to the other person (especially if that person is a boy).  If you just wait and expect things to happen over time, the only person that ends up changing is yourself--specifically, your feelings.  You need to initiate and create that momentum in order to move forward together, so no one gets left behind.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
-George Bernard Shaw

Just take my hand and just let go
Feel the warmth beneath it starts to slow,
Yeah, I believe we're on to something real,
Something real.

And I'd really wanna know
How you really feel
Yea I really wanna know,
How you really feel.