Thursday, January 22, 2015

Explain Love

We looked at each other a little too long to just be friends.  When she looked at me, sometimes I felt like she was looking for something more, a place beyond our reach.

“And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.” 
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This moment will be another story someday, but I didn't want it to be just a storya wistful recollection of a lapse in judgement.  I wanted us to be a long story.  A complicated series of ifs and buts and maybes, surpassed by time.

Wanna make my eyes shut 
But I've just come in half cut 
and I know I won't sleep tonight 

I just wanna call you up 
But tonight I really fucked it up 
Cause I can't ever do things right 

Tonight we're sat on the seesaw watching me fall down
We are not equal what I did was evil 
Cheating in the playground 

We're on the seesaw but I'm the one to fall
Keep going down down down 
We're on the seesaw but I'm the one to fall 
Keep going down down down 


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Missed Connections

"Worry is a misuse of the imagination."
-Dan Zadra

Where, could that girl have gone
Where, I've wandered far
Where, could that girl have gone
She left no trace but I know her face, I will find her

When last I saw her she was dancing all alone
Perhaps my chance was then, I'll never know
I'll search the world until there's no place left to go
And if she leaves it, I will follow, yes, I will follow

She lit a fire
But now she's in my every thought
She lit a fire
But now she's in my every thought.

If you listen closely, it sounds like there's a choir of manatees harmonizing in the background.

Sunday, January 18, 2015


This morning, I woke M up and asked him, "What are we?" genuinely heartbroken and confused.  I had just remembered that not too long ago, during a heated argument, he had snapped and told me that we weren't working out.  That he couldn't deal with me anymore.    

But then how was it that I was still seeing him every weekend for the past month without any indication that anything was wrong?  I shook him againthis time harderand repeated more urgently, "What are we?"

M rolled over and mumbled, "What?"

"We need to talk."

He grunted.

I proceeded to tell him that what he said at the time really hurt me and that I had never had closure over it, and that it wasn't fair to me that we were still acting like we were together even though we weren't because I still had feelings for him.  

He sighed and leaned toward me, resting his forehead on my shoulder.  "What are you talking about?"

"Well, are we together?"

There was a heavy pause.  

"Yes," he said finally.  "Of course we are.  Why wouldn't we be?"

"Don't you remember you broke up with me?"  Suddenly hopeful, I asked, "Was it something you just said in the moment that you didn't mean?" 

He closed his eyes tiredly and said, "That wasn't real."  

"Wait, what do you mean?  I don't understand," I wailed.  "What do you want from me?!"  

He kissed my cheek.  "I want you to go to sleep."  

Then I think he muttered something about me being crazy, slumbering off just as the dawn broke and lit my befuddled mind.

To the ends of the earth would you follow me?
There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see
To the ends of the earth would you follow me?
If you will have a say my goodbyes to me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

You never know what you have until it's gone

Like hot water.

Our water heater has been broken for the past week, so I've been having to boil water during ungodly hours in the morning.  One grows accustomed to a certain way of life...there really isn't anything quite like squatting in your bathtub over a soup pot, using a cup to splash yourself.

That's probably about the hardest thing going on in my life right now, so in retrospect, I'm pretty lucky, aren't I?  I'm freezing, but my heart is warm.

I had a dream so big and loud
I jumped so high I touched the clouds

I stretched my hands out to the sky
We danced with monsters through the night

I'm never gonna look back 
Never gonna give it up
Please don't wake me now.